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Obama's Nobel Peace Prize


Main Entry: No·bel Prize
Pronunciation: \nō-ˈbel-, ˈnō-ˌbel-\
Function: noun
Date: 1900

1: any of various annual prizes (as in peace, literature, medicine) established by the will of Alfred Nobel for the encouragement of persons who work for the interests of humanity —called also Nobel

2: An award given to anyone who is not George W. Bush

The Nobel Peace Prize, or the "Not George W. Bush Award" as it is now called, is quite an honor for our president. Some are concerned that they gave him the award prematurely or that he didn't deserve it at all. Of course they also gave a Nobel Prize to Yasir Arafat for his performance in the "Shaking hands with the Jewish Guy" photo-op. And to Al Gore for telling us it might be getting warmer outside in his award winning "robot man" voice... What? That's his normal voice? oh, my bad. I thought it was for theatrical effect. Like, "THE HUMANS WILL ALLL DIE IF THEY DO NOT TURN OFF THE DAMN LIGHTS WHEN THEY ARE OUT AND THE ROBOTS WILL RULE THE EARTH..."

Anyway, he has done a lot to earn this award! Such as become president, and not be George W. Bush, and gave some inspiring speeches about how he's not George W. Bush, and energized politics by not being George W... Ok so the Nobel committee got a bit over anxious, but give him a chance. He might earn it yet. I certainly hope so.




Pronunciation: \ˈlā-zē\
Function: adjective
Inflected Form(s): la·zi·er; la·zi·est
Etymology: perhaps from Middle Low German lasichfeeble; akin to Middle High German erleswen to become weak
Date: 1549

1 a : disinclined to activity or exertion : not energetic or vigorous b : encouraging inactivity or indolence

2: a... uhhh... man I can't think of anything funny... I'll do it later....

Catholic church sure got one thing right: Laziness, or sloth definitely is one of the seven deadly sins. It's also the fourth funnest.

Sure it's important to be a productive person, work hard and contribute to society, but by God it's equally enjoyable to just stop in the middle of a task and g-

I know many people afflicted with this disease. I myself have been know to suffer from it. It's not that you don't care or want to be a productive person, it's just that sometimes you just don't feel like walking all the way to the trashcan so you throw stuff in that general direction. Or, you don't want to stop to get your car's oil changed every five years or whatever. And sure it's only a billionth of a calorie more to start usng vwls n ur txt msg or evn whle wrds nd fck pnctation

Of course it's too bad there is a banana on the floor because you were to lazy to actually aim for the trashcan, but it will biodegrade eventually; mother nature is never lazy about that. And sure its going to be more work later when your car's engine explodes, and sure your text abbreviations sent your friends to the wrong part of town at three A.M. when they come to get you after your car exploded, but think of all the time you are saving!! Got to be like... uh... let me calculate this out... uh.. many many seconds or something. oh God... "publish post" button... so... far... away...




Main Entry: Cal·i·for·nia
Pronunciation: ˌka-lə-ˈfȯr-nyə
Function: geographical name.

1: state SW UnitedStates Sacramento

area 158,706 square miles (411,048square kilometers), population 33,871,648

2: The only state where "plastic" is an option for ethnicity.

Ah the the Land of Dreams! A perfect combination of warm weather, free thinking, beautiful people, creativity and remorseless, rampant consumerism and irrational body image expectations. It is truly the best place in the world to live the life you have always dreamed of, and promptly lose it to substance abuse, and other forms of self destruction.
I may sound jaded, but here is the thing, I am this jaded in KANSAS, imagine how much more jaded I can become after several years in California! But before that happens I can live out my dreams in the land where the streets are paved gold... and silicone.

The midwest is the spot where the lazy settlers who were heading to California got tired, or left behind by the athletic settlers who were tired of listening to the heavy breathing.




Main Entry: ap·a·thy
Pronunciation: \ˈa-pə-thē
Function: noun
Etymology: Greek apatheia, from apathēs without feeling, from a- + pathosemotion — more at Pathos
Date: 1594

1 : lack of feeling or emotion : impassiveness
2 : lack of interest or concern : indifference

3: whatever...

Let me tell you how apathy is important and why you should adopt it into your lifestyle... Ah screw it. Like it even matters. I'm going to go play Xbox or something.


Working in Retail.


Main Entry: cus·tom·er
Pronunciation: \ˈkəs-tə-mər\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English custumer, from custume
Date: 15th century

1 : one that purchases a commodity or service

2: A paradoxical person who is both the reason a job exists and the reason the job is intolerable.

Working retail is something everyone should be forced to undergo for the first few years of your young adult life. It serves as training for the rest of your life and a kind corporal, corporate punishment (ha, word play). If you have worked retail, you will perhaps recall the feelings you had for humanity after working an eight hour shift. I usually felt that humanity was some sort of giant evolutionary-joke whose punch line had to be coming soon. Not a very good joke either. One of those where the teller forgets parts of the joke and then leaves out half the punch line, laughs loudly and decides to just stab you in the crotch with a butter knife.

If you are looking forward to job in retail let me give you some tips.

1)If a customer has questions about a product just read them what it says on the box. This generally answers the question and prevents the customer from getting angry at you for telling them to "Stop being a tard and just read the effing descriptions on the box."

2)When in doubt smile and nod. If you feel it's to demeaning you can flip them off when their back is turned.

3) Vengeance is best exacted through passive aggressive means. For some reason most corporations seem to leave this out of the employee hand book. Deactivating the rude customer's credit card with the alarm demagnetizer is a classic. As are throwing their product down the ladder or shoving their incorrect "exact change" where the sun don't shine. If you can pull that last one off passively aggressively then you are truly a master.

4)If customer is truly rude you can try stealing his or her credit card number and having 15,000 editions of "German Poop and Pornography Today" magazines delivered to their house.

The reason you need to undergo this nightmare of employment is because it will benefit you in the long run. If you learn not to abuse the people who are paid seven bucks an hour to help you buy useless crap, you might just avoid some awkward conversations with the postal office and neighbors.




Main Entry: caf·feine
Pronunciation: \ka-ˈfēn, ˈka-ˌ\
Function: noun
Etymology: German Kaffein, from Kaffee coffee, from French café
Date: circa 1823

1: a bitter alkaloid C8H10N4O2 found especially in coffee, tea, cacao, and kola nuts and used medicinally as a stimulant and diuretic

2: woah... a diuretic? That explains a lot... thought something was wrong with me.

Coffee, and caffeine in general, are a wise choice. Studies have shown that drinking a Red Bull is equal to 372 hours of studying. To be fair, I hesitate to call those "studies" studies. The scientists didn't actually perform tests recognized by any known standards of the scientific method. In fact, the scientists threw back a few Red Bulls, wrote two paragraphs, spun on their task chairs for a half hour. Realizing it was late, they copy and pasted something from wikipedia and sent it to the scientific journals and got the hell out to start the weekend. On a Wednesday...

Despite all of that, raise up your favorite chemical laced energy beverage and drink up. Avoid physical exertion for a few hours so you don't have a heart attack though. Salud!


Higher Education


Main Entry: higher education
Function: noun
Date: 1834

1: education beyond the secondary level;

especially : education provided by a college or university

2: A four year long drinking competition that incurs copious debt.

Indoctrination... er... I mean education is a mixed bag. Part fascinating knowledge that lets you explore far reaches of the universe and the dark corners of your mind, and part twaddle and bullshit. On one hand you can learn logic and reasoning, how the world works, how to read and express your thoughts in a clear, concise manner. On the other hand, should you make the mistake of taking something practical and related to the "real world," you quickly find the "real world" "sucks prodigious ass." (prodigious, for all you educated people, means "giant" or "extensive" and is a word I did NOT learn while being "educated").

Professors will babble on about "synergy" even as you and your fellow students disprove synergy, teamwork and for that matter democracy, in one fell swoop. The rest of the time they teach you important corporate skills such as: Sucking up, keeping your mouth shut, letting your dreams die, and how to manage your pain through light substance abuse (keep liquor and glue in your desk. Make sure it's not the pansy, non-toxic crap).


Scrubs --TV


Scrubs is one of the most fantastic shows ever. Nearly every situation you could ever deal with in life will be discussed in at least one scrubs episode. Should you ever find yourself in need of guidance but lack some sort of oracle or wise sage or a direct, evangelical-republican-candidate-esk line of communication with god, turn to Scrubs. You will find guidance provided to you in an irreverent and amusing manner that gives you hope and understanding without sacrificing fart jokes, sex, and general weirdness. So buck up there Sally hike up those pink panties and go watch some scrubs and become wise.




It's not that great, you hardly even look at it... wait it's Wednesday? Holy crap, I've been logged since last thursday... Who's birthday is it, do I have any new friends? What's that girl got on her head in her profile picture... hey! That jerk hit me with a sheep!.....

It's just a simple website that shouldn't be all that interesting. Just a few photos, some status updates and now those goddam quiz things, and yet, you just spent four hours on there. When asked what you do on there you suddenly realize you have no freakin' clue. You can however tell people, which classic muscle car you are, the color of you and all your friends personalities and what random household object you are (a pencil, I think). You also know that the dumb hick you hate from your bio class is dating some bimbo who took her picture awkwardly looking into a mirror.

Although Facebook is the far less seedy alternative to myspace, you can still enjoy some mostly harmless cyberstalking. Find out that girl's favorite bands so you can casually mention them in conversation, or if that guy holding a beerbong in his profile picture is single. This is far more effective and safer than the older method of holding an actual conversation with human beings.

Another nifty trick is the status update. You can let hundreds of casual acquaintances know how miserable you are over blowing your final exam, or how in love you are with your boyfriend/girlfriend of the past six hours. Near strangers love nothing more than some cyber-whining (A note to my FB friends, yes, I am aware I complain constantly on there. My status right now should read: "Kyle is being a hypocrite.")

Yes, there is no reason to spend as much time there as you do, but it seems to happen anyway. So embrace the FB (I pronounce it Ff-Buh) and start poking some people!

Here is a good video I found on facebook about facebook.




WOAHHHH.... That is far to touchy a subject for me to give you an opinion on... This blog has a strict policy against offending people... And by people I mean people who click on my advertisements and make me money.

I advise sticking with your current opinion, unless Jesus is telling you to eat tacks or kill people. Especially this person. I'm pretty sure you got some lines crossed if that's the case.
One thing I will say, the Jesus in this picture seems to be pretty tall, Arian and pasty for an ancient-Middle-Eastern-Jewish-Torah-nerd. I'm just sayin'...


Swear Words.


They are F******* awesome! How could you survive a single day without the use of short mono- or bi-syllabic sounds which have been randomly assigned an offensive meaning. Each word seems carefully crafted to lend itself to loud shouts. Without these four-letter travesties of civilized speech, stupid people would have to settle for mumbling quietly and ceding their crap-tastic argument.

It is a well documented fact that cussing 5-10 times per day lowers blood pressure and relieves back pain.

There is a question as to why some words are more offensive than others. There are many arguments as to why this is, but frankly who gives a S***!?




You love macs. They are so aesthetic, hip and functional and when it locks up you have a neat, colorful circle to stare at in dismay. Plus when you cry because your life's work just went poof, the ergonomically designed tear drop catcher on the keyboard collects your tears and recycles them into a tasty mineral water, which Steve Jobs sustains himself on. Macs also costs three times as much as any other equivalent PC, so you know it has to be good.

You may be thinking, "This doesn't sound so great... why do I love them again?" Well that's because it's a damn site better than Microsoft's latest operating system "Poke in the Eye With a Sharp Stick '09" and its service pack "Rectal Cramp 2010."


The apocalypse


Hooray! It's the legendary end of days. The world falls into chaos, society degenerates, and zombies are everywhere. So grab your double mini-uzis, your gas powered shotgun and mounted mini-cannon and get ready to role! To clarify, you are more than a bit excited! You may also want to practice striking a heroic pose. For example walk over the top of a hill with the blood-red sunset backlighting you, both Uzis hanging at your side and trench coat flapping in the wind. You may also want to come up with an "Apocalypse Soundtrack," while all of the good artists are still alive. I suggest music from Muse or another epic sounding band. Blasting these songs from your humvee as you strike the afore mentioned heroic pose is sure to strike fear into the hearts of enemies. Assuming they have hearts.

The unfortunate part of all this is that 90% of humanity will be dead. So make sure you find yourself a smokin' hot parter who can run around with you, kick ass, and re-populate the human race with you. (bow chika bow wow)

Here is one of the songs on my "Apocalypse Soundtrack"


Swine flu.


Main Entry: swine flu
Function: noun
Date: 1921

`1: swine influenza; also : influenza A of humans that is caused by a different strain of an orthomyxovirus subtype (H1N1) from those found in swine and that is marked especially by fever, sore throat, cough, chills, body aches, fatigue, and sometimes diarrhea and vomiting.

2: The next fad in "Sh** That Will Kill Us"

Not really. You can be slightly concerned, or worried, but no more. Or you may be excited! After all this is starting to feel like the apocalypse! (see apocalypse entry).

You should be skeptical. Wash my hands? Yes I hear that's what they did for the plague too. Please. Maybe I should also chew on a magic twig and wrap myself in saran wrap and duck-tape. Besides we all know it's everyone else who is going to get it. So run around cough on someone, lick a pig, you'll be fine.... Just remember to wash your hands afterward....

This song has been circulating and I thought it was amusing.




Squirrels are among the most awesome of the jungle beasts. If at any point you need a creature for some mighty task, you should consider calling upon the squirrel. There is some debate over who the actual god of the squirrels is, however you can be assured that he who controls the Squirrel Army controls the world. Assuming the nut supply holds up and there is no outbreak of rabies, the master of the squirrels could take hundreds, perhaps thousands of public parks in a matter of months.


Your Opinion on This Blog


You love this blog with a burning passion that is normally reserved members of the opposite sex whose physique resembles a greek god or goddess. You eagerly await every word and post that comes from this blog. You would like to buy merchandise from this blog someday, especially a t-shirt, or commemorative squirrel. The word choice of this blog is also enough to create an enigmatic feeling of mirth, rapture and exultation. For example how do we know that "cucumber" is a much funnier vegetable than tomato? It's all part of the charm, gentlemen and ladies.