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This made my night


Oh shit, Google. You know your stuff!

So a friend of mine was doing some Googling tonight (I didn't ask about what) and he discovered something. Google is a man. A somewhat sexist man. Possibly a rapper. A hilarious, sexist, man rapper.
It's one hundred percent real by the way. Just google it.




Securities and Exchange Commission Officials Watched Porn while the Economy Tanked.

So check out the link. I'll give you a brief summary. The officials in SEC spent up to 8 hours a day looking at porn while the economy tanked.

Yeahh, so I almost don't know what else there is to say. The story itself is basically the punch line.

The problem with government appears to be its reliance on people. Maybe we should just have a computer run the government.Pow and or Ka'kow. Problem solved.

That is, until someone downloads a whole crap-load of porn and viruses on the government computer and it starts asking us if we want to meet sexy singles in our area and stealing our credit card info.

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Health Care


Congress completes overhaul of health care - Yahoo! News

OK, America. Let's have a talk.
Democrats, you are sneaky. I respect that.
Republicans... wtf are you even talking about? I want to stay unpartisan but... damn... I can't even follow the logic anymore...

The media keeps referring to this as an "epic struggle" or as a historic moment. OK, that's fair, it's a major overhaul of an industry. But here is why it's really historic. The Democrats actually got something done. After, like, 60 years of being the Denver Broncos of the political arena and snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, the democrats did something all by themselves. So, yay, or whatever. That could be good or bad.
Now whether or not the bill is a good or bad thing is a completely different subject. All I know is something had to be done. I believe access to health care and not dying young, in pain and in debt would probably fall under the umbrella of "Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."

Incidentally, an interesting poll I saw, shows that the young, in pain and in debt tend to agree and favor health care reform. Now you may say, "What?! OMG! A fact?!"
Yes that's right, a fact. They still exits. Use them for this debate people, come on.

The Health Care Bill is a piece of crap. It's going to be a huge mess, cause debt and such, but it's also going to help a lot of people. And yes, it will need to be redone in about ten years, but that's what America is all about. Slooow, agonizing, incremental change by committee.

One last thing. How is this starting a slide into communism? Even socialism for that matter? It's all subsides, without a single payer. It's the least inefficient thing that could ever exist, but its not communism. Also, a brief reminder of what communism is. Communist states are formed when the lower classes are tired of dying young, poor, and in debt so they kill the upper classes and share the wealth-- and then fail miserably because Marx forgot that given the chance, people will always do sh**iest thing they can get away with. If we consider roots Communism then light socialism actually protects democracy.
Honestly the thing that pisses me off the most is that now I feel like I have to pick sides. I pride myself on being non-partisan, but now I can't vote for a republican because I'm afraid they'll repeal us back into the stone age while screaming stupid slogans against things that don't exist.

Boy I feel bad for not making this one as funny as usual and I imagine my one or two readers will be disappointed and may even be riled up by the political content. So watch the video below to help you calm down.

Please feel free to disagree with me. I have no problems with a good debate, just keep it rational and tell me about in the comments below.




Main Entry: av·a·tar
Pronunciation: \ˈa-və-ˌtär\
Function: noun
Etymology: Sanskrit avatāraḥ descent, from avatarati he descends, from ava- away + tarati he crosses over.

1 : the incarnation of a Hindu deity (as Vishnu)
2 a : an incarnation in human form b : an embodiment (as of a concept or philosophy) often in a person
3 : a variant phase or version of a continuing basic entity
4 : an electronic image that represents and is manipulated by a computer user (as in a computer game)
5: a film by James Cameron. Aka: ; "Fern Gully Two: Dances with Smurfs"

Ok, so I'm a bit late on this one. What can I say, I'm not a trendsetter, I'm a "oh yeah, I have something to say about that now that it's four months later," kind of guy.

First of all, the movie looked amazing. I saw it in 3D and I'm pretty sure I got some of the ash floating around in one scene in my eye. As I suggested above, the story itself was a mashup of "Dances with wolves" and "Fern Gully" but it was still well within the tolerable zone. Although there is the racial subplot aspect that some people have noted. A kind of whiteman savior plot. "Oh my, now the blue people can't take care of themselves, thank god there is an all american white guy here to save them."

Here's something I am not excited about seeing. "Avatar 2: Nuclear Winter on Pandora." What exactly do we think is going to happen? Sure the giant shark-rhinos came to the rescue, but human's are remarkably persistent and capable of serious ingenuity when tasked with pillaging the environment, engaging in genocide, and other general forms of douchebaggery on an tragic scale. Unless there is some sort of smurf-space-shark, I foresee some orbital bombardment in the sequel.

Finally my last question is about the animals and aliens in this movie. As a contributor on put it: "Sure, it may have made more biological sense for Jake Sully to fall in love with, say, a sentient ball of tar. But that would have deprived the viewing audience of something far more important than scientific accuracy: alien boobies."

Over all, I did enjoy the movie, but I enjoy the criticisms of it almost as much. I just wish they were in 3D like the alien boobs were...




Pronunciation: \-ˈplȯi-mənt\
Function: noun
Date: 1888

1 : the state of being unemployed : involuntary idleness of workers; also : the rate of such unemployment

2: an activity that sounds like it should be called FUNemployment at first, but after while just becomes boring.

Obviously this subject is a multifaceted one. It is generally agreed that 'unemployment' is the sitting presidents fault no matter what some "facts" or "reality" may claim. It is therefore with great sorrow that I inform you, my loyal readers--myself and this other guy who can't figure out how to remove an RSS feed--that president Obama has not yet given me a job.

Unemployment sounds so glamorous at first. Finally, you can sit around in your boxers all day and watch TV without some boss, or professor telling you to get back to work. Now you have time to work on all those projects you've been meaning to get to. You know the ones I'm talking about; learning to moonwalk, writing a screenplay, becoming fluent in a foreign language, watching every episode South Park ever made. Yeah all 20 seasons. I did it one glorious unemployed summer in college.

So that takes care of the first three or four days, but after that things start to go downhill. Without something productive to do the human mind atrophies and requires a dramatic increase in ice cream consumption.

So before long the day is spent refreshing craigslist and coming up with businesses you could start. Personally, I'm going to be starting a multinational bar/nightclub/bakery/desktop publishing/rock band/movie studio some time this week. As soon as that loan comes through... and I have all the necessary skills...

Soon it becomes obvious that no matter how good you are or well-qualified for the job, the Michael Jordan of copyediting, or law, or graphic arts, or whatever is somehow job hunting also and been ordained by God himself to take that job.

Hang in there everyone. I'm sure the media will decide that the president does want us to have jobs pretty soon and things will turn around.




Main Entry: goo·gle
Pronunciation: \ˈgü-gəl\
Function: transitive verb
Inflected Form(s): goo·gled; goo·gling \-g(ə-)liŋ\
Usage: often capitalized
Etymology: Google, trademark for a search engine
Date: 2001

1: to use the Google search engine to obtain information about (as a person) on the World Wide Web

2: A living mind that will enslave the human race.

Google is a kind and benevolent search engine that will always be our friend and deliver prompt accurate information.............................

Ok, I think Google only searches the first 50 characters of a post so we should be safe now.

Let's be honest here. Google is designed like the human mind. It is a network of millions of computers controlled by a several central databases. It is designed to learn from what we search--so best limit naughty searches or google is going to get a complex.

Anyhow. There is a small, hidden and well controlled part of me that entertains the concerns of a paranoid schizophrenic. I think I'm not the only one who has it. I know you all have it too. Don't you? huh? yeah, you know you do.
It's this part of your mind that isn't actually kidding when you say "I have a zombie plan," and the part that reminds you to check for toilet snakes before seating yourself.

Anyway, It's this part of my brain that believes that "Skynet," in the Terminator, will actually be called Google. Granted it will sound much more silly to have the last remnant of the human race hunted down and "Googled," to death but that's Hollywood for you, always trying to make things sound more dramatic. Psh... Skynet. I assume instead of the Governator the Terminator will be Urkel. "Did I do that! Bwahaha."

My natural reaction to this realization is to create a "Google Resistance Plan," I am, however, unsure how to build a electro-magnetic pulse weapon without googling it... What am I supposed to use? Bing? Hahahahaha. *Edit: It appears that it's too late. Google has already taken its first city!*


Obama's Nobel Peace Prize


Main Entry: No·bel Prize
Pronunciation: \nō-ˈbel-, ˈnō-ˌbel-\
Function: noun
Date: 1900

1: any of various annual prizes (as in peace, literature, medicine) established by the will of Alfred Nobel for the encouragement of persons who work for the interests of humanity —called also Nobel

2: An award given to anyone who is not George W. Bush

The Nobel Peace Prize, or the "Not George W. Bush Award" as it is now called, is quite an honor for our president. Some are concerned that they gave him the award prematurely or that he didn't deserve it at all. Of course they also gave a Nobel Prize to Yasir Arafat for his performance in the "Shaking hands with the Jewish Guy" photo-op. And to Al Gore for telling us it might be getting warmer outside in his award winning "robot man" voice... What? That's his normal voice? oh, my bad. I thought it was for theatrical effect. Like, "THE HUMANS WILL ALLL DIE IF THEY DO NOT TURN OFF THE DAMN LIGHTS WHEN THEY ARE OUT AND THE ROBOTS WILL RULE THE EARTH..."

Anyway, he has done a lot to earn this award! Such as become president, and not be George W. Bush, and gave some inspiring speeches about how he's not George W. Bush, and energized politics by not being George W... Ok so the Nobel committee got a bit over anxious, but give him a chance. He might earn it yet. I certainly hope so.




Pronunciation: \ˈlā-zē\
Function: adjective
Inflected Form(s): la·zi·er; la·zi·est
Etymology: perhaps from Middle Low German lasichfeeble; akin to Middle High German erleswen to become weak
Date: 1549

1 a : disinclined to activity or exertion : not energetic or vigorous b : encouraging inactivity or indolence

2: a... uhhh... man I can't think of anything funny... I'll do it later....

Catholic church sure got one thing right: Laziness, or sloth definitely is one of the seven deadly sins. It's also the fourth funnest.

Sure it's important to be a productive person, work hard and contribute to society, but by God it's equally enjoyable to just stop in the middle of a task and g-

I know many people afflicted with this disease. I myself have been know to suffer from it. It's not that you don't care or want to be a productive person, it's just that sometimes you just don't feel like walking all the way to the trashcan so you throw stuff in that general direction. Or, you don't want to stop to get your car's oil changed every five years or whatever. And sure it's only a billionth of a calorie more to start usng vwls n ur txt msg or evn whle wrds nd fck pnctation

Of course it's too bad there is a banana on the floor because you were to lazy to actually aim for the trashcan, but it will biodegrade eventually; mother nature is never lazy about that. And sure its going to be more work later when your car's engine explodes, and sure your text abbreviations sent your friends to the wrong part of town at three A.M. when they come to get you after your car exploded, but think of all the time you are saving!! Got to be like... uh... let me calculate this out... uh.. many many seconds or something. oh God... "publish post" button... so... far... away...




Main Entry: Cal·i·for·nia
Pronunciation: ˌka-lə-ˈfȯr-nyə
Function: geographical name.

1: state SW UnitedStates Sacramento

area 158,706 square miles (411,048square kilometers), population 33,871,648

2: The only state where "plastic" is an option for ethnicity.

Ah the the Land of Dreams! A perfect combination of warm weather, free thinking, beautiful people, creativity and remorseless, rampant consumerism and irrational body image expectations. It is truly the best place in the world to live the life you have always dreamed of, and promptly lose it to substance abuse, and other forms of self destruction.
I may sound jaded, but here is the thing, I am this jaded in KANSAS, imagine how much more jaded I can become after several years in California! But before that happens I can live out my dreams in the land where the streets are paved gold... and silicone.

The midwest is the spot where the lazy settlers who were heading to California got tired, or left behind by the athletic settlers who were tired of listening to the heavy breathing.