Unemployment

Main Entry: un·em·ploy·ment

Pronunciation: \-ˈplȯi-mənt\

Function: noun

Date: 1888

1 : the state of being unemployed : involuntary idleness of workers; also : the rate of such unemployment

2: an activity that sounds like it should be called FUNemployment at first, but after while just becomes boring.

Obviously this subject is a multifaceted one. It is generally agreed that 'unemployment' is the sitting presidents fault no matter what some "facts" or "reality" may claim. It is therefore with great sorrow that I inform you, my loyal readers--myself and this other guy who can't figure out how to remove an RSS feed--that president Obama has not yet given me a job.

Unemployment sounds so glamorous at first. Finally, you can sit around in your boxers all day and watch TV without some boss, or professor telling you to get back to work. Now you have time to work on all those projects you've been meaning to get to. You know the ones I'm talking about; learning to moonwalk, writing a screenplay, becoming fluent in a foreign language, watching every episode South Park ever made. Yeah all 20 seasons. I did it one glorious unemployed summer in college.

So that takes care of the first three or four days, but after that things start to go downhill. Without something productive to do the human mind atrophies and requires a dramatic increase in ice cream consumption.

So before long the day is spent refreshing craigslist and coming up with businesses you could start. Personally, I'm going to be starting a multinational bar/nightclub/bakery/desktop publishing/rock band/movie studio some time this week. As soon as that loan comes through... and I have all the necessary skills...

Soon it becomes obvious that no matter how good you are or well-qualified for the job, the Michael Jordan of copyediting, or law, or graphic arts, or whatever is somehow job hunting also and been ordained by God himself to take that job.

Hang in there everyone. I'm sure the media will decide that the president does want us to have jobs pretty soon and things will turn around.

Unemployment

Google.

Main Entry: goo·gle

Pronunciation: \ˈgü-gəl\

Function: transitive verb

Inflected Form(s): goo·gled; goo·gling \-g(ə-)liŋ\

Usage: often capitalized

Etymology: Google, trademark for a search engine

Date: 2001

1: to use the Google search engine to obtain information about (as a person) on the World Wide Web

2: A living mind that will enslave the human race.

Google is a kind and benevolent search engine that will always be our friend and deliver prompt accurate information.............................

Ok, I think Google only searches the first 50 characters of a post so we should be safe now.

Let's be honest here. Google is designed like the human mind. It is a network of millions of computers controlled by a several central databases. It is designed to learn from what we search--so best limit naughty searches or google is going to get a complex.

Anyhow. There is a small, hidden and well controlled part of me that entertains the concerns of a paranoid schizophrenic. I think I'm not the only one who has it. I know you all have it too. Don't you? huh? yeah, you know you do.

It's this part of your mind that isn't actually kidding when you say "I have a zombie plan," and the part that reminds you to check for toilet snakes before seating yourself.

Anyway, It's this part of my brain that believes that "Skynet," in the Terminator, will actually be called Google. Granted it will sound much more silly to have the last remnant of the human race hunted down and "Googled," to death but that's Hollywood for you, always trying to make things sound more dramatic. Psh... Skynet. I assume instead of the Governator the Terminator will be Urkel. "Did I do that! Bwahaha."

My natural reaction to this realization is to create a "Google Resistance Plan," I am, however, unsure how to build a electro-magnetic pulse weapon without googling it... What am I supposed to use? Bing? Hahahahaha. *Edit: It appears that it's too late. Google has already taken its first city!*

Google.

Obama's Nobel Peace Prize

Main Entry: No·bel Prize

Pronunciation: \nō-ˈbel-, ˈnō-ˌbel-\

Function: noun

Date: 1900

1: any of various annual prizes (as in peace, literature, medicine) established by the will of Alfred Nobel for the encouragement of persons who work for the interests of humanity —called also Nobel

2: An award given to anyone who is not George W. Bush

The Nobel Peace Prize, or the "Not George W. Bush Award" as it is now called, is quite an honor for our president. Some are concerned that they gave him the award prematurely or that he didn't deserve it at all. Of course they also gave a Nobel Prize to Yasir Arafat for his performance in the "Shaking hands with the Jewish Guy" photo-op. And to Al Gore for telling us it might be getting warmer outside in his award winning "robot man" voice... What? That's his normal voice? oh, my bad. I thought it was for theatrical effect. Like, "THE HUMANS WILL ALLL DIE IF THEY DO NOT TURN OFF THE DAMN LIGHTS WHEN THEY ARE OUT AND THE ROBOTS WILL RULE THE EARTH..."

Anyway, he has done a lot to earn this award! Such as become president, and not be George W. Bush, and gave some inspiring speeches about how he's not George W. Bush, and energized politics by not being George W... Ok so the Nobel committee got a bit over anxious, but give him a chance. He might earn it yet. I certainly hope so.

Obama's Nobel Peace Prize

Laziness

Pronunciation: \ˈlā-zē\

Function: adjective

Inflected Form(s): la·zi·er; la·zi·est

Etymology: perhaps from Middle Low German lasichfeeble; akin to Middle High German erleswen to become weak

Date: 1549

1 a : disinclined to activity or exertion : not energetic or vigorous b : encouraging inactivity or indolence

2: a... uhhh... man I can't think of anything funny... I'll do it later....

Catholic church sure got one thing right: Laziness, or sloth definitely is one of the seven deadly sins. It's also the fourth funnest.

Sure it's important to be a productive person, work hard and contribute to society, but by God it's equally enjoyable to just stop in the middle of a task and g-

I know many people afflicted with this disease. I myself have been know to suffer from it. It's not that you don't care or want to be a productive person, it's just that sometimes you just don't feel like walking all the way to the trashcan so you throw stuff in that general direction. Or, you don't want to stop to get your car's oil changed every five years or whatever. And sure it's only a billionth of a calorie more to start usng vwls n ur txt msg or evn whle wrds nd fck pnctation

Of course it's too bad there is a banana on the floor because you were to lazy to actually aim for the trashcan, but it will biodegrade eventually; mother nature is never lazy about that. And sure its going to be more work later when your car's engine explodes, and sure your text abbreviations sent your friends to the wrong part of town at three A.M. when they come to get you after your car exploded, but think of all the time you are saving!! Got to be like... uh... let me calculate this out... uh.. many many seconds or something. oh God... "publish post" button... so... far... away...

Laziness

California

Main Entry: Cal·i·for·nia

Pronunciation: ˌka-lə-ˈfȯr-nyə

Function: geographical name.

1: state SW UnitedStates ∗ Sacramento

area 158,706 square miles (411,048square kilometers), population 33,871,648

2: The only state where "plastic" is an option for ethnicity.

Ah the the Land of Dreams! A perfect combination of warm weather, free thinking, beautiful people, creativity and remorseless, rampant consumerism and irrational body image expectations. It is truly the best place in the world to live the life you have always dreamed of, and promptly lose it to substance abuse, and other forms of self destruction.
I may sound jaded, but here is the thing, I am this jaded in KANSAS, imagine how much more jaded I can become after several years in California! But before that happens I can live out my dreams in the land where the streets are paved gold... and silicone.

The midwest is the spot where the lazy settlers who were heading to California got tired, or left behind by the athletic settlers who were tired of listening to the heavy breathing.

California

Apathy

Main Entry: ap·a·thy

Pronunciation: \ˈa-pə-thē

Function: noun

Etymology: Greek apatheia, from apathēs without feeling, from a- + pathosemotion — more at Pathos

Date: 1594

1 : lack of feeling or emotion : impassiveness
2 : lack of interest or concern : indifference

3: whatever...

Let me tell you how apathy is important and why you should adopt it into your lifestyle... Ah screw it. Like it even matters. I'm going to go play Xbox or something.

Apathy

Working in Retail.

Main Entry: cus·tom·er

Pronunciation: \ˈkəs-tə-mər\

Function: noun

Etymology: Middle English custumer, from custume

Date: 15th century

1 : one that purchases a commodity or service

2: A paradoxical person who is both the reason a job exists and the reason the job is intolerable.

Working retail is something everyone should be forced to undergo for the first few years of your young adult life. It serves as training for the rest of your life and a kind corporal, corporate punishment (ha, word play). If you have worked retail, you will perhaps recall the feelings you had for humanity after working an eight hour shift. I usually felt that humanity was some sort of giant evolutionary-joke whose punch line had to be coming soon. Not a very good joke either. One of those where the teller forgets parts of the joke and then leaves out half the punch line, laughs loudly and decides to just stab you in the crotch with a butter knife.

If you are looking forward to job in retail let me give you some tips.

1)If a customer has questions about a product just read them what it says on the box. This generally answers the question and prevents the customer from getting angry at you for telling them to "Stop being a tard and just read the effing descriptions on the box."

2)When in doubt smile and nod. If you feel it's to demeaning you can flip them off when their back is turned.

3) Vengeance is best exacted through passive aggressive means. For some reason most corporations seem to leave this out of the employee hand book. Deactivating the rude customer's credit card with the alarm demagnetizer is a classic. As are throwing their product down the ladder or shoving their incorrect "exact change" where the sun don't shine. If you can pull that last one off passively aggressively then you are truly a master.

4)If customer is truly rude you can try stealing his or her credit card number and having 15,000 editions of "German Poop and Pornography Today" magazines delivered to their house.

The reason you need to undergo this nightmare of employment is because it will benefit you in the long run. If you learn not to abuse the people who are paid seven bucks an hour to help you buy useless crap, you might just avoid some awkward conversations with the postal office and neighbors.

Working in Retail.

Caffeine

Main Entry: caf·feine

Pronunciation: \ka-ˈfēn, ˈka-ˌ\

Function: noun

Etymology: German Kaffein, from Kaffee coffee, from French café

Date: circa 1823

1: a bitter alkaloid C₈H₁₀N₄O₂ found especially in coffee, tea, cacao, and kola nuts and used medicinally as a stimulant and diuretic

2: woah... a diuretic? That explains a lot... thought something was wrong with me.

Coffee, and caffeine in general, are a wise choice. Studies have shown that drinking a Red Bull is equal to 372 hours of studying. To be fair, I hesitate to call those "studies" studies. The scientists didn't actually perform tests recognized by any known standards of the scientific method. In fact, the scientists threw back a few Red Bulls, wrote two paragraphs, spun on their task chairs for a half hour. Realizing it was late, they copy and pasted something from wikipedia and sent it to the scientific journals and got the hell out to start the weekend. On a Wednesday...

Despite all of that, raise up your favorite chemical laced energy beverage and drink up. Avoid physical exertion for a few hours so you don't have a heart attack though. Salud!

Caffeine

Higher Education

Main Entry: higher education

Function: noun

Date: 1834

1: education beyond the secondary level;

especially : education provided by a college or university

2: A four year long drinking competition that incurs copious debt.

Indoctrination... er... I mean education is a mixed bag. Part fascinating knowledge that lets you explore far reaches of the universe and the dark corners of your mind, and part twaddle and bullshit. On one hand you can learn logic and reasoning, how the world works, how to read and express your thoughts in a clear, concise manner. On the other hand, should you make the mistake of taking something practical and related to the "real world," you quickly find the "real world" "sucks prodigious ass." (prodigious, for all you educated people, means "giant" or "extensive" and is a word I did NOT learn while being "educated").

Professors will babble on about "synergy" even as you and your fellow students disprove synergy, teamwork and for that matter democracy, in one fell swoop. The rest of the time they teach you important corporate skills such as: Sucking up, keeping your mouth shut, letting your dreams die, and how to manage your pain through light substance abuse (keep liquor and glue in your desk. Make sure it's not the pansy, non-toxic crap).

Higher Education